#i don't think i can emotionally handle the insanity that i'm sure is on the dash

[handlewithcharacter]

[softly, but with feeling]: better than mouth noises

[mywons]

៹ enha when you're hurt.

▸ ִֶָ tags enha x reader + fluff + hurt/comfort + jayke being bf material + the boys being protective + romantic gestures. warnings! && mentions of injury, cursing. REQUESTED : hi there i love love love your writing and i was wondering if you could maybe do how the members would react if someone hurt you (either physically or emotionally)? ✿ 1.6k words —

## HEADCANONS UNDER THE CUT !

lee heeseung !

he's very very very attentive

whether you guys are dating or not, he makes sure to know all of your habits/quirks, so he knows when something's off

if you don't outright tell him, he'll ask for himself. "hey, what's going on with you? what happened, hm?"

please tell him so he doesn't think he did something wrong :(

his presence alone is probably one of the most comforting things ever, so if he's also putting all of his effort into making sure he's comforting you . . . god

if you're upset about something that can't be fixed, he'll listen to you rant & cry about it while he holds you in his arms and kisses the top of your head. maybe try and crack a few jokes to make you laugh,, get your mind off of it for a little

if it's something that can be fixed, he will give you any & all advice you ask for. would even take matters into his own hands if he feels like you're too stressed to handle it. he's so caring it's insane

if it's a person that hurt you . . . good luck to them???

like he already doesn't like seeing you upset but there's an actual human being that caused your tears?? they'll literally never be safe again

overall so so gentle with you and absolutely the best when it comes to making you feel better.

park jongseong !

he'll notice. immediately. like as soon as your fucking walk is a little off, he knows something is up

won't say anything unless you bring it up first, but he'll pamper you in so much affection that you know he's noticed your change in behavior

if days go by & your behavior doesn't change, then he'll ask about it

at this point, he's worried more than anything. just wants his happy baby back !!

^^ especially if your state starts messing w your physical health. he is not having it. has absolutely no problem w missing any & all events to cater to your every want and need, he's your very own personal caregiver

wtv's fucking with you will be long gone by the time he's done, jay hates to see you unhappy and he'll do absolutely anything to change it.

+ he already loves being there for you at every waking moment, so having an excuse to do this other than want ??? he loves it

you get texts from him every five minutes if he can't be near you "i'll bring food as soon as i can" "are you feeling better yet honey?" "i'm gonna stay over for the night"

you'd have to physically pry him off of you to go get a drink of water/use the bathroom in the middle of the night. poor boy is so clingy when you're not feeling well :((

jongseong the (boy)friend we all need $!3#+$%?

sim jaeyun !

he'd take you out on the best date ever, and you being you, you fall and twist your ankle

it's not that deep, you just have to stay in bed and elevate it for a few days. jake—jake thinks it is that deep

he feels so bad that you got hurt during your time w him, it feels like it's his fault even though it's really no one's

in guilt & genuine concern for you, he's by your side everyday all day. pampering you. holding your hand when you wanna get up and walk, cooking your meals and helping you bathe

he's js so so so sweet and by the end of it you're so accustomed to his company that you guys end up being a lot closer

randomly starts telling you how much he loves you throughout the day. platonic or not, he's just 100x more affectionate when you're hurt

even after you're all healed, his touch becomes a lot more gentle with you. the usual rough banter & playful fighting you guys do turns into softer touches and warm hugs. he's so careful with you

& finds himself being a lot more protective, too. a hand on the small of your back always

not overbearing, but it's to the point that you miss him so much it hurts when he's not near you

if someone else causes an injury or anything else that even slightly alters your mood in a negative way, pray for them

idk if y'all saw that one video where he said he'd fight over his partner but,, yeah. he didn't lie.

when it comes to your health, he's very very serious and he expects the same from everyone else you hang around

if he finds that someone around you doesn't feel that way, he would not hesitate to start an argument. you deserve the absolute best and shouldn't settle for less, he tells you

if you aren't already, you'll be in love w him by the end of your injury

park sunghoon !

sunghoon is an introvert, and because of this, he finds himself being quiet & zoning out sometimes. he has his bursts of chaotic energy like everyone else, but for the most part he observes

trying to lie to him ab being fine isn't smart. he knows you like the back of his hand. oh you thought he was staring into space? no, he was paying attention to literally everything around him, especially you

literally just the tone of your voice could change slightly and he knows something's wrong. he won't let it go either

"tell me. what's wrong? did something happen? did someone happen?"

he's naturally protective of the people around him, but you especially. you're very special to him and he likes to show it

you'd sit in his lap and tell him just about everything that's bothering you, while his hands are around your waist and he hugs you tightly

he knows he doesn't like dwelling on bad feelings himself, so his main thing would be to try and keep your mind as far drifted away from whatever's bothering you

whether it be physical contact, making jokes, reading to you, he'll do anything if it means he gets to see you smile because he knows you'd do the same for him

it's not rare for him to be affectionate, but he's usually only touchy when you guys are alone. now that he knows where your head is, he's always touching you as a way of reassurance

just so perfect in every way, doesn't at all think of you as a burden

kim sunoo !

he's definitely the type to be sad if you're sad

sunoo would walk up to you, expecting an exciting greeting. when he doesn't get that, he'd frown and immediately ask what's wrong

you'll tell him about the stomachache that's been bothering you, and he'd make you some tea and take a nap with you

it's easy to fall asleep as he traces shapes into your exposed skin

100% asking "are you okay? you're sure? do you need anything?" every five seconds

^^ make that every two seconds, actually

he's already extremely affectionate, but he usually shows it by teasing you. this time around? nuh uh, you're getting absolutely drowned in loving

just so sweet !!!!!!!! sweetest boy ever

he's so caring and forever concerned for you and how you're doing

you want soup in the middle of the night? he will sleepwalk to the damn kitchen and get the fucking job done.

yang jungwon !

he's probably used to dealing w caring for his sick members because of his leader role, but he definitely cares for you in a different way

showers you in gifts to take your mind off of your injury. buys you all different types of snacks and plushies <3

if it's something more emotional that's bothering you, there's no one else you could ask for that's better at making you feel better !!

he's so so genuine and it makes him so easy to be around ,, especially when you're dealing with problems. jungwon prides himself on how many people have told him how comfortable he makes them feel

definitely doesn't see you as a bother, and if you suggest such, you will be scolded

you're so very precious to him & he would never ever want you to feel otherwise. it's practically his duty to nurse you back into your best health so why would he ever be bothered by it??? especially when you're so wonderful to be around

his love language is definitely words of affirmation/quality time anyways, so he would never ever do anything to make you feel unwanted and is constantly reassuring you in any and every way he can

scolds redirects you when you try to do anything for yourself. "hey, let me do it, okay? you lie down."

honestly you forget you'd forget ab your problems whenever he's around, it's like his presence is the medicine to your wound

best boy <3

nishimura riki !

teases you nonstop !!

if it's something like a very small injury, he'll laugh at you as he helps your with your bandages

if it's something far more serious, he's far more serious

definitely doesn't like it if you don't take your current state seriously. you're not doing well, therefore you should be doing everything to get better. not wasting your time to make jokes. he's very rarely stern but when it comes to your wellbeing he's completely different

wouldn't get emotional unless it's something serious, and even then he wouldn't be emotional in front of you

orders you both different foods to try out of boredom each night

riki would 100% stay the night if you ask him, but if you aren't dating, he would sleep so far away unless you ask otherwise

^^ he's so cute bye

but in ending he's just super supportive and just wants the best for you, even if he teases you most of the time

!!!!!!! cutie

mywons © 2023 ## please do not plagiarize my works.

[karniss-bg3]

I just want to add to the last ask, it's so hard to figure out Kar'niss actual alignment because he is given so little space for his own personality to show. He is being used for a cause and his mind was messed with to align with that cause. He was cast out by one horrible cult and before he could go through any phase of self discovery (cause, you know, a cult barely leaves space for that) he was snatched by another cult. It's pretty safe to say that there was no space in his life to ever figure out what HE wants.

Following the Absolute he pretty much has his sense of self entirely tied to that. And it's so tragic. There is no room for anything else and given that nobody bothers to interact with him on a normal level, it's truly all he has left.

I found it quite frustrating that upon meeting him we can't even talk to him in peace without being interrupted by someone else in almost every conversation choice.

He's not treated like a person by anyone really. They say horrible things either straight to him or so loudly that he'd definitely hear it. And those who don't simply are too afraid, like Kansif who can't even look him in the eyes.

And yet, if you talk to him in the few moments where you actually get to do so without being interrupted, there's not a single meanspirited thing coming from his side towards the player.

He's very very mentally ill and disturbed, but he's not a rabid animal that will attack unprovoked.

Every time he gets angry, there's a reason for it that could have been avoided. Like people not listening to what he told them and the 'compliments' you can give him as a Dark Urge aren't really compliments. You can't call someone beautiful and an abomination in the same sentence and expect them to be happy. And when you ask him if you can look at the lantern it's also so ... idk, it's icky. You do it in a way as if you already assume you can. It's like as if someone I just met wants to inspect my phone and assumes it's gonna be fine, I'd also be like wtf?? No?

If we had the option to interact more with him and overall be nicer and more considerate I'm sure some things would play out very differently.

And I think if given the chance he'd have one of the most interesting and emotionally intense romance routes in the game.

There is SO much to unpack. There is so much to work through, but also so much potential for an amazing outcome. Or something deeply tragic. Either way, I'm sure it would leave an impact and it could be great. But his story would need a lot of time to make it work, and it needs to be handled very delicately. He's not like a quick fling you can just write into the game, like for example the drow twins. I can barely imagine anything more cruel than giving him a bit of actual affection and a connection outside of the Absolute and then just leaving him behind and taking it away again.

So I personally think the most we can realistically hope for is a few interactions where we can at least NOT be rude or outright awful to him.

But maybe the devs will surprise us and figure out a way to let us bring him along. I'd honestly be so insanely happy. I really want something good for him. He is one of those characters who feels the least deserving of the fate and treatment he got and it's so heartbreaking.

I love this response, no notes to really add. This sums it up in a solid way. I'll always hope for better options in terms of Kar'niss, side character be damned. We love who we love, can't help that!

Thanks for the response!

[sciderman]

Omfg he IS Daffy. Like. If we want to get into specifics…Wade’s entire life is that episode where Daffy keeps trying to play out the scene and the “animator” keeps drawing new ways to fuck up the scene. And after you’re certain Daffy has lost the tiny semblance of the sanity he had left, you pan out and it’s just Bugs in the animation studio closing the book on Daffy.

Oh man that tracks on so many levels. Especially the power exchange when Peter takes on the Daffy role and Wade gets to be Bugs. Even down to how Bugs dresses in drag, typically leaving Daffy to fend for himself in terms of the antagonist. When Wade dresses in drag or even simply wears a dress, even when Peter enjoys it he’s usually left to fend for himself against his biggest foe: his gender and sexuality.

Now I have to know…do you think Peter can get to a point where he’s taking up the Bugs role from time to time, or is he an eternal Daffy?

P.S.: Daffy is my FAVORITE.

i LOVE daffy, he's one of my favourite characters in fiction ever. and i've always said it, wade is very daffy duck coded.

wise guy ✅ funny way of talkin' ✅ ability to break the fourth wall ✅ tortured by the narrator ✅ mad about it ✅

even the kind of performative humour that's signature to looney tunes is hardwired into wade. the way he talks in early comics - even his debut series every issue is themed to ducks. i think it's all very intentional he's always meant to have been a looney tunes-esque figure, and that's the way he chooses to perform.

i was a looney tunes girlie growing up (my favourite) and watched looney tunes cartoons religiously and so SO much of my humour came from those cartoons and feeds into how i write wade (daffy and bugs are both like, the biggest inspirations for the way i write wade, no doubt. no doubt. i don't even know if i can point to any other characters as inspiration, save for wade himself.)

i'll squeeze in a clip from duck amuck (my favourite piece of media like, ever created ever.) please seek out the whole cartoon if you haven't - i really think it's one of the greatest cartoons ever made.

bugs and daffy's dynamic (especially in later content of them, where they're cosier and more self-aware) is a huge inspiration too - an odd couple that kind of hates each other because they're always, always diametrically opposed but kind of know each other so well and know each other's BIT so well that when they have each other's interests at heart and work together they are The Ultimate Duo with like, the most fire chemistry you've ever seen. the most unstoppable banter you've ever seen. when they're in a room together, absolutely no one else can get a word in. obsessed with that dynamic.

wade and peter are very bugs and daffy coded but it's dealers choice who gets to be bugs and who gets to be daffy. they're switches. i think it's all about who has the upper hand in the scenario - bugs usually has a confidence in a situation that comes from him knowing something daffy doesn't - (ergo, wade is usually the bugs. because he usually knows something peter doesn't.)

but... buuuuut, it's not always the case - and wade doesn't always have the upper hand when it comes to his dynamic with peter - particularly when he's feeling emotionally vulnerable. peter can handle those situations better than wade does. those moments, regrettably - happen more often in the fics than on the blog, because it usually happens when their clothes are off. (oops.)

wade's daffy moments happen when he's Not the smartest guy in the room, or things don't work out in his favour or he's not in control of the situation and he's being dramatic about it.

in those moments, peter gets to be the bugs. the level-headed guy who's in charge of the situation. i hope he gets more moments like that. because it's kind of insane that wade's usually the sane one here. and he needs to be dethroned.

peter needs more bugs bunny moments - and though i'm not sure when - olive and anita's warring divas dynamic fits the bugs and daffy model with so much more ferocity. they will be dropping pianos on each other. and you can guess who gets to be the bugs.

[pinkboxess]

very long essay about ted lasso (the show) jesus fuck

sometimes I think Ted Lasso wanted really badly to subvert expectations and tell a "different type of story" and in many ways it worked fantastically and we got a truly incredible story, but other times it fell flat, because instead of the unexpected feeling refreshing, it just felt flabbergasting.

One of my absolute favourite things about the series is the way it handles forgiveness. The scene when Rebecca confesses to Ted about her scheme, Ted responds in a way that is just not what you would think would happen on any other television show. Typically in a situation like that there would be drama with Ted being angry and hurt and the writers would create a whole plot point about whether they can come back together again. But in Ted Lasso, Ted forgives her immediately, and we get this stunning representation of what it can look like to show someone grace. This surprised me, but it landed as a good surprise. It made me really happy and teary-eyed to see the scene progress the way it did.

But then there are the bits that fall flat because they feel entirely out of left field in a bad way. I'm thinking of Rebecca's Dutch Boat Man encounter-- which, for any real woman who has been alive a day on planet earth, would be utterly terrifying instead of romantic. She's literally with a stranger in his home with no phone or way of contacting anyone and she's dependent on him for dry clothes and food and things, and then he gets her drunk. The show wanted us to interpret that scene as a romcom moment, but I was just really confused the whole time, especially with the "did we..." "no" "but we did" line at the end. I knew that something like a random off-screen sexual assault didn't fit in with the tone of the show, but that's the first thing my brain thought of when he said that line, so it was just confusing to be like "no but that would be so insane to throw in like that and I don't think this show would do that based on what I know about it from prior episodes." I did eventually conclude that that is not what they meant to imply, but it's just an example of how off-kilter the whole thing made me feel.

Dutch Man just feels so random and last-minute. The storyline is incredibly underdeveloped for the person they want to be Rebecca's endgame. Rebecca deserved to end up with someone she knows and trusts and has had more than one interaction with, even if that person isn't Ted. Parachuting in a random guy just to serve a narrative purpose didn't do it for me.

And then, of course, Ted leaving. The scene in the bleachers is so devastating. It's out of character for the version of Ted who has gone through the events of season 2. And I feel pretty confident that the reason the writers did it that way is because they were so committed to wanting Ted Lasso to be a show where the couple doesn't get together and it's not as neat as that. And I do see and understand the reasoning behind that thinking-- it's always good to try to push the needle and make a different kind of art. It's always good to show the messy sides of humanity.

For me, it just landed awfully, because the show provided so much overwhelming textual evidence previously that they are deeply connected soulmates. For Ted to so cruelly dismiss Rebecca, to emotionally stonewall her like that-- it just hurt to see. It felt like it ignored everything that had previously been written about the two of them. And if the message of the show is that Ted has worked through his emotional problems, it sure didn't seem like that in 3x12. The stonewalling and guilt about his role as a father is exactly what season 1 Ted was like. If the writers wanted to show us a transformed Ted in 3x12, they didn't.

The ending of the show didn't make me think "wow that was complex and deep and that's what human life is like sometimes." It just made me think "what the fuck was everything that happened previously even there for if we are throwing it out the window in a contrived and unnatural way now."

Disclaimer that I love Ted Lasso. I'm criticizing something that I love with about 95% of my being, but there's just that other 5% that really dislikes some of the choices the writers made. Good thing we have fanfiction to fill in the gaps and end the story in more satisfying ways.

[veliseraptor]

Any thoughts on SJ + YQY? They haunt me.

oh god this is one of those things that I can barely handle and I think that's why I'm not more of a Qijiu (other than the fact that Bingjiu is so perfectly awful that it's hard for me to look away from it) - every time I think about them I flinch.

there's just so much there left unresolved, and that will (at least on page) always be unresolved, because either there's a universe where Yue Qingyuan dies because he cannot and will not walk away from his Xiao Jiu, and his death is the thing that completely and utterly breaks Shen Qingqiu 1.0, or there's a universe in which Yue Qingyuan's Xiao Jiu slips away and is replaced by someone else, rendering him almost unrecognizable, a stranger. He's friendlier to Yue Qingyuan, sure, but I can't help but think that, even if Yue Qingyuan can't name it, he knows there's something wrong, something off, something that isn't the man who grew out of the boy he knew and loved.

I feel like that has to make him feel sort of insane sometimes. I wonder, a little, if that's part of what drives him to confess to Shen Qingqiu about what happened with Xuan Su - not just that he thinks he's about to die, but also because he needs some kind of reaction, some kind of response that tells him that there's something there of their old relationship, even if it's anger, even if it's bitterness or hatred he needs there to be something.

but the chance for that resolution is already gone. that being the moment where Shen Qingqiu 2.0 feels and acknowledges the loss of the person who used to inhabit the body that's now his is really powerful, I think.

and the fact that! that everything Yue Qingyuan does regarding Shen Qingqiu 1.0, his efforts to protect and shield him, also enable the cruelty that ultimately becomes his downfall that ultimately becomes Yue Qingyuan's death. Yue Qingyuan wants so badly to make up for his failure, and Shen Qingqiu 1.0 can't let him, because they're talking past each other (by not talking at all), and they keep talking past each other, and I want to SCREAM.

yeah anyway the point is that the reason I don't talk/write about this relationship often is because it is almost too much for me in some very particular ways that I just cannot emotionally handle very well.

[moonfurthetemmie]

"ok so THAT'S going to cause more problems than literally anything or anyone else ever"

so quick note: i have not consulted The Council(TM). i think Wheeze is busy, but they'll see it eventually and if they wanna chime in with their own ideas they will.

anyways here's the fucking disaster that im just going to call Supernova because that's what's going to be the end result if they catch feelings.

Delusion:

most emotionally constipated bitch of all time. very very intentionally. unfortunately slash is making him a little happy and he can feel it through the emotion-squishing he's doing and he's being a little crazy about it. at the same time though, she's so annoying. why.

he's god. he can do that. he doesn't want to. feel that way. about her. if he caved to his feelings though,,,,

God complex says "Why am I struggling with this? I shouldn't be struggling. I'm a god." Unfortunately God complex also goes "i'm a god and i deserve to get anything i ask for." he wouldn't be too weird about it, unless he really, really went off the deep end. which is plausible. especially if they somehow end up somewhere together with a magic suppressor and he realizes just how much he likes her that he could still feel it through his squished emotions and general feeling of Stoned Zen he's in almost all day every day

see god complex again. he can definitely bring her back right?? and who knows maybe she'll be grateful and things will be a little smoother. it's about as likely as me eating some weird new food that looks like a sensory hell, but yknow. maybe.

gestures at emotion squishing and his aura filling that void in. He's not really cold, though, he's just. a wall. a brick wall. bitch

surely it's nothing more than happenstance. This sort of thing happens sometimes. It's nothing to look too deep into. (but she hated him so much. and he hated her as much as he possibly could, without his aura hurting him. what if it wasn't a coincidence...? ...nah that's bullshit.) (he still occasionally questions it)

come hell or high water, he's going to create his perfect world. He just hopes she and her friends will realize that's he's right.

see first part of point 5

emotionally constipated bitch

there's so many cynical, logical, non-emotional reasons that this is a Bad Fucking Idea for him and his image. he won't let it happen again if he can help it.

i did say something about delusion's emotional state making him a good victim for yandere-fication, right?? because that's pretty much what this is past a certain point, and by then he's not even going to care if she knows anymore

see point 11

see point 11 again. But also: married to job.

yearning hours. won't admit it but oh he is yearning.

i love how this unintentionally escalated from 'interested and rather confused about it' to full blown yandere bullshit. but that's how it works in the good yandere fics anyways, right?

can you see half the problem now

Slash:

girl generally isn't emotionally constipated but why the FUCK would she like this walking rotisserie at ALL for ANY REASON anyways she's trying to distance herself. aggressively

see. here's the thing. She absolutely would burn down the world for the people she loves. However. this is something of a problem when Pluto + Byte and Delusion are on two, very hostile sides. and like yeah she's with pluto and byte 100% but. could she really handle that. she's trying not to think about it.

"i fucking hate you. i hate that i like you at all. shit, man, how the hell am i going to get through this without losing at least one, but maybe two people! I'd choose Pluto and Byte over you any day no contest but I would be UPSET and i DON'T DESERVE THIS FUCKING! EMOTIONAL TURMOIL BULLSHIT!" (do you guys think she's a little upset?)

she's gonna be upset about it, buuuuut...she still has pluto and byte. she's doing good. one guy who she kinda liked vs. her two best friends who are just as insane as she is, and whom she's been through so much with? yeah losing delusion was absolutely best case scenario. anyways she keeps wondering if she could've somehow saved him.

she is so fucking pissed about this. I know i've said that three times but i cannot understate how mad she is. she's going to go off on her own to kill people. do you know how rare that is???? so rare that for a while no one thinks it could've been her. She's furious. unfortunately she's also very clingy with loved ones. and even more unfortunately. that includes delusion.

there's no WAY this is fate. no way in hell.

the only reason she would leave byte and pluto at all ever is if she had absolutely no other choice. this could be a variety of things; sickness, serious injury, they're trapped and she can't get them out on their own, etc. And hypothetically, Delusion might be able to help with some of these things, but even in such a case she ain't leaving them forever.

slightly more to the left of delusion only because in the right circumstances yeah maybe she actually would ask him out for real. pluto and byte better be safe and unbrainwashed and they all have to be chill with each other though. which is still an INCREDIBLY slim chance. the only reason BOTH of them aren't further to the right is because unfortunately i think they, outside of the context of their relationship, would be somewhat willing to get married. in theory. delusion is doing it for political gain more likely than not.

aggressively in denial

see point 6. ain't no way. nuh uh.

partly in denial but mostly just. this is the ONE thing she's being normal about.

seeee. here's the thing. saving him might also, in her mind, include making him stop. yknow. god complex, brainwashing. Actually mainly just that. pretty much the rest of it is fine. but yeah it's going to kinda be saving him but also 'i WILL fix him or SO HELP ME GOD.' she will still be fucking furious that she likes him tho and this will probably make things worse rather than better :D

"anyone" isn't really the point regarding where I put her dot. If I lumped Delusion with Byte and Pluto, her dot would be so far to the right it would be screeching about how the gays and transes ruin everything. but Delusion on his own? nah. he's like a 'it'd be nice to have but really not necessary' sorta thing. except she's angry about it.

see point 9

also she's being unusually violent because of all this. even if she stopped being upset about the fact that she cares about him at all, she's still distressed because she can't see any possible way for her to have Delusion and Pluto and Byte that doesn't involve letting Delusion brainwash them. and she sure as hell isn't letting him do that. and she's getting that stress out via murder and destruction of public and private property.

also it is CRITICAL that she does still also hate him despite romantic feelings. It's both. He's fucked up her and her besties so much and it's going to take more time than she has left on this earth for her to forgive him. which is fair.

[lxrd-ren]

ROSE + NICO POTENTIAL PARRALELS ARE DRIVING ME INSANE

OKOK

(PART 3 OF NICO MASTERMIND THEORY I GUESS??)

Already mentioned how they parallel each other a lot more if Nico is the mastermind in my last Nico Mastermind theory post, but I've realized both how it could make more sense and how the potential is crazy going forward

So, I believe the parallels between them is centered around memory. The reason for Rose is self-explanatory given her photographic memory, but part of my theory is that Nico is unaware they are the mastermind (don't worry I do got reasons and evidence for this but I don't want it to clog up this parallels centric post, so if you wanna read up on it): https://www.tumblr.com/lxrd-ren/764080909602406400/part-2-of-nico-mastermind-theory?source=share

Now, with narratives and parallels in DRDT so far, it seems to follow how 'Two sides of the same coin' tropes usually play out. Essentially, two characters handling the same problem in different ways. Ace and Arei are probably the most clear example of this with both being inherently 'bad' people, but how they deal with this dilemma is VERY different

Knowing this, I wanna change my original thought process from last post. Instead of Rose dealing with a lot of knowledge and Nico dealing with little knowledge, I think it'll be more focused on them both knowing a lot

Here's how I think it'll play out:

Rose having photographic memory (knowing and being able to remember a lot) -> becomes a hindrance to her as she forgets what's important (negative outcome)

Nico becomes aware they are the mastermind as they start to remember (being able to remember and knowing a lot) -> becomes an asset to them as they remember what's important (positive outcome) (for them anyways)

Also, another thought when thinking about last trial:

Usually composed / calm and easy-going Rose -> becomes more distressed and emotional

Emotionally-driven and distrustful Nico -> becomes more logically-driven and reserved

Now, I know what you might be thinking

'What about Charles, isn't he heavily associated with memory with the childhood amnesia? Surely he'd be a better fit in terms of parallels with memory'

Yes, but I doubt that will become a main theme for him moving forward. We've established he has childhood amnesia and he has already discussed it with questioning other aspects of his life. I don't see how this theme could be explored further. Plus, the characters that parralel are usually connected in some way; even if with Ace and Arei, it was through one killing the other. But with Charles, he has hardly any interaction with Rose. Sure they might have some sort of connection in the future, but I think a much more likely candidate has quite literally been with him this whole time: Whit. I won't get into too much detail, but I'm pretty sure they will parallel when it comes to choosing to see and find out the truth. There's many analysis already out there you can go read that explain it better than I ever will lol

[mrs-monaghan]

Hi! I'm new around here (but not new to jikook) and I saw your recent posts where you linked to, among other things, a post where you talked about the 2016 jinmin vlive where they were watching jk on celebrity romance. And I just wanted to say thank you for bringing that up! I think that vlive is wildly underrated. It tells us so much about jikook's relationship at the time. It really showcases how jikook weren't at same place emotionally in the beginning (and how insecure that made jimin) and how their relationship was possibly mostly physical back then. Jk definitely had a lot to work through. I'm sure he was already in love with jm, but had a hard time expressing it. But all's well what ends well, right? :) Very highly recommend that every jikooker watch that vlive if you haven't already!

Okay. First of all, if I have to link this post one more time I'm gonna start side eyeing y'all. I thought I was a pervert till I met y'all. I'm watching you 🧐🧐

He he hee! The video anon is talking about.

Its like 11 minutes guys. Watch it. You've been in the toilet for longer than that. Don't even 🙄 just watch it.

Anon I think you have put it perfectly. Actually. The last part where I reference on my post about JK not showing Jimin any emotions, I think that caused alot of fighting. Like alot. I joked about JK hitting and quitting but really that's how it comes off. The xes part was good. Probably really good. But after that JK would go back to treating Jimin like he did everyone else. Jimin knew he wasn't just anyone else. They had something going on and he wanted JK to act like it.

I saw something on twitter a long, long time ago so I cannot find it. And its now a blur in my head. But OP was alluding to JK playing video games and ignoring Jimin after xes. I don't recall how OP drew to this conclusion, but it was from something Jimin said. Something about JK and video games. Not sure. Like, we all know when it comes to Jikook its all about reading between the lines.

I remember seeing that and seeing where OP was coming from but I dont remember the context which is a tad frustrating rn. Anygays, it obviously took a while for JK to start acting like Jimin needed him to. Feelings wise anyway.

I am happy Jimin did not give up because look where they are now. (I'm sure the Jungkonda had something to do with it 😂😂) JK basically worships the group Mimi walks on.

We heard it from the man himself so we know it's true, right? He's stubborn, he's hard to handle, and I bet Jimin knows all of it first hand. 🤭🤭

Okay so for some strange reason, your ask made me think about this tweet; (Don't ask me why. My mind is a weird place)

Before anybody freaks out, I would like to advice that u take this with a grain of salt. My friends and I tried to find where/when this could have possibly happened but we couldn't. And we really tried guys, because.... WHAT!?!?!?! Why would Jin say something like this that basically outs Jikook? Right?

But then I think about how BTS used to word vomit alot in the early days so I haven't completely disregarded it. So hopefully one of u have heard of this because I would love to see it. Honestly. It's fucking wild. Like.... it's insane 🤯

That being said, 😁😁😁 the correct members are involved when u really think about it. Right? Like these are the right members for this strange scenario 🤭

We know this is how Jin used to wake JK up. Jin even demonstrated that one time exactly how he used to do it by touching JK's nipples. (I can't with the Tannies sometimes. Honestly 🤦🏽‍♀️) From the huge amount of Jikook nipple play (inside this post is another post about this) we can safely deduce that JK's nipples are sensitive. So to me, yeah? To me it makes sense that a sleepy JK thought it was Jimin touching him. IF this is true and it did happen, the maths adds up. Just saying....

Lord have mercy ��😂😂

[ac-liveblogs]

"Fountanians are actually oceanids" is the new "Katheryne is a snezhnayan bionic puppet" except even worse, because at least she wasn't turned into a real girl by the end of Sumeru (so maybe this will be "addressed" some day lol). Personally, im more willing to forgive thematic inconsistencies and messes than this kinds of things, because they tend to take me out of the story instantly. It's not even "the devs didn't think this throughout", it's straight up "WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?????". The non-reactions of characters to these revelations swiftly remind me that they are actually just puppets to The Plot and not, like, thinking and feeling beings. Which is terrible for a work of fiction. How people manage to get emotionally attached to the world that feels THIS artificial is beyond me. 💀

(I still want to see how it all ends, though. The trainwreck must go on haha)

True, but Kathryne DID have to deal with Nahida "oh she's just a puppet!"ing at her and possessing her body because she wasn't a real human... in the same country where we're supposed to be convinced Scaramouche really does have a heart or whatever. Hm.

You know, when people praise Genshin's insane "deep lore" and world-building, you really do have to raise an eyebrow bc like. Okay. Everyone's an Oceanid bc [x] and [y] happened because of it but like. Does it matter. Does any of that matter. I don't think any of it does matter. Egeria's sin could have been stepping on the Heavenly Principle's foot for all that mattered.

The non-reactions of characters to these revelations swiftly remind me that they are actually just puppets to The Plot and not, like, thinking and feeling beings.

YEAH, I've never played a game where I felt like the characters didn't matter more than this one? It makes it so hard to care about anything. It's like... okay, Fontaine is seeding lore about Sandrone. But after the way Fontaine handled Childe and Arlecchino, why should I give a shit about Sandrone? Sure we can fill in her wikipedia page, but do they really expect me to think her writing will be GOOD??? Why are people excited? Just for the sake of Learning Things?

I don't get it and I can't relate. I'm always mildly surprised when Genshin manages to accomplish the bare minimum. Like "oh, that set-up actually paid off!", you know?

I'm also deathly curious to see how this all ends but =_=; man it's frustrating

[eibongrey]

Please talk to me about Joel and Tess I’ve been thinking about them all weekend

I don't even know if I have any coherent thoughts about them it's all just a wriggling mass of worms in here, screaming about their dynamic. (Update from after writing out the rest of this deranged essay: I did not mean for this to get so long and go off on so many tangents. I am insane. Thank you.)

I'm utterly obsessed with the way Tess is the one who calls the shots - just reblogged a post the other day about how Joel looks to her for decision-making, which mixed nicely in my brain with that quote from the podcast about Joel being "a little bit of a Frankenstein monster" that Tess is leading. This fermented in my brain with Joel's consistent characterization as someone who can't live for himself, only for someone else. As joking as it is, people are absolutely on the nose with the "acts of service being Joel's love language" posts. He doesn't know how to be a person unless he's orbiting another. (This also neatly parallels Ellie's greatest fear of ending up alone, but that's a whooooole nother essay.)

For a long time, Sarah was the axis around which he orbited, and that is why losing her led to a near suicide. Tommy managed to shift Joel's orbit around himself, to save his brother, which led to "all the things we did - the things you judge me for" from episode 6. This next bit is speculation, but I think it's fairly well supported by evidence from canon. I think that Tommy wasn't able to properly handle how Joel's trauma changed him, not okay with the level of violence Joel was willing to reach to keep Tommy safe, but utterly unable to lose the only family he had left.

(Continuing this Tommy tangent, sorry): he absolutely feels some level of responsibility for how fucked up Joel is now. If he had arrived just a little sooner, he could have saved Sarah, and Joel wouldn't be the way he is. Every time Joel does something morally reprehensible for Tommy's sake, Tommy thinks this is my fault. At least at first. They met Tess later, so there was no one else for Joel to orbit, so Tommy was the only option. And he was definitely there during and in the wake of Joel's suicide attempt, so he knows Joel cannot be alone. But the way they're surviving is fucking with him.

It's not until later, when Joel and Tess have become close enough for her to be Joel's new Person that Tommy can leave, which he does, of course he does, because seeing what's become of his brother makes him sick with guilt and anger. He couldn't leave until he knew for sure Joel had a Person to keep living for, but once that's a sure thing, he leaves. (There's another whole essay in here about Joel and Tommy being foils, where Joel must be devoted to a single person and Tommy must be devoted to some greater cause, but I've digressed enough. You came here for Joel and Tess. Sorry. I swear these thoughts are all related.) Back to Joel. Everything about him screams "experienced parentification as a child" and I know I'm still in speculation land but come on. He's several years older than Tommy and he became a father at a young age, and it's implied that he was a single father from pretty early on in Sarah's life (moreso in the game, but there's no indication they changed that for the show). Joel and Tommy's parents are never so much as mentioned.

Adults who were parentified as children have a hard time expressing and meeting their own needs, particularly emotionally, and have a hard time turning off their "caregiver" mode. Just for fun, I ran a quick search about parentification to refresh my memory, and I'd like to share a few sentences that made me insane: "A parentified child does not learn to distinguish their own needs and feelings from those of other people." Here's another: "In certain cases, some degree of parentification may have positive effects, such as building resilience and competency."

Who does that sound like? Joel "you were never gonna do it for yourself" Miller, that's fucking who. (For added derangement, rewatch the breakfast scene in episode 1, starting around 6:50 when Tommy comes through the door. "Awww, he loves you." "He's dependent on me. It's not the same." But I digress. Again.) ANYWAY: Enter Tess. Tess is fucking smart and ruthless about survival, Tess shares Joel's deep trauma of losing a child, and Tess doesn't have Tommy's angst about how Joel has changed from Before. She's exactly someone whose psychological profile can mesh well with post-Outbreak Joel's. She's resourceful and great at social engineering, and she quickly picks up on how Joel's mind operates. As the audience, we never get to actually see or hear how they met and grew close, but given how they are as people, I think it's likely that Tess initially saw Joel as a resource to use, then figured out more about him, and grew to actually give a shit - until she ended up giving a lot of shits. Too many, maybe.

She definitely knows she has power in their dynamic, that she can make the decisions and Joel will follow her lead, that Joel cares about her. The scene in their apartment kitchen where he sees her swollen eye and she already knows he's going to react the way he does, has her first sentence prepared so he'll sit back down. The casual way she allows him to tilt her head and pat at her face with the cloth? She knows his need to caretake, and she allows him a few moments to meet it, and then she gently redirects him and breaks the bad news about the battery to him.

She handles him emotionally like a fucking master pianist at the keys. (Follow along at about 53:25 in episode 1 if this next bit makes no fucking sense.) She starts gentle, reassuring, telling him "nothing's lost" after dropping the fact that Robert sold the battery. She matches Joel's energy when he stands, upset, saying "okay, fuck it, we get our money back and the battery" so he doesn't feel like she's being condescending or too calm about something that's a big deal to him. She approaches, makes physical contact with her hand to get him to meet her eyes, and lays out the logic - the goal is not out of reach, but will be unless Joel listens to her. And then she says "I need you to take a breath" and there's a quiet moment where you can see her exaggerating a breath for Joel to follow. (I think this is where I became unrecoverable, by the way, if it wasn't already back where Joel rolls over at her hand on his back to be her little spoon.) Notice the energy level in the room after that breath? They both continue speaking in lower, calmer voices. Even when Joel says "Well who'd he sell it to?" his tone is irritated without being loud and abrasive.

And then my favorite thing ever. "Now I promised Robert you wouldn't hurt him. But I would very much like for you to hurt him." Because Tess knows that she is Joel's Person, and what things Joel will do for his Person. She knows because she saw it back when it was Tommy. And Tess has no problem weaponizing Joel, unlike Tommy, who'd been driven away by that very thing.

The saddest part, to me personally, is that while Tess was able to understand that she was Joel's Person, she didn't let herself believe that meant love. Not the way she wanted it to. She figured that he had to revolve around someone, psychologically, but that didn't mean he had to love them. And Joel couldn't ever say it to her, because he loses everyone he loves. It's even more obvious with Ellie, later, when he so clearly loves her as a daughter and just cannot say it in such plain words. He loved Sarah, and she died in his arms, and he loved Tommy, and Tommy left him behind. So there's no way Joel was ever going to be able to be clear with Tess that he loved her, even though he so clearly did. Especially since Tess died before Ellie's presence in Joel's life started to heal the wound - "it wasn't time that did it."

God. I have no idea if any of this makes sense, I just had a million thoughts and feelings and went off on several tangents, but I've finally run somewhat out of steam and I did, in fact, talk about Joel and Tess like you asked. So I'm gonna call it a success.

Anyway, how was your weekend?

[chidoroki]

Maybe it's a unpopular opinion but i think that, whatever Isabella thought about it, shipping Ray would have destroyed her. She tried to keep her distance from him, because she was afraid to love him like her son, because she was unable to save him. She says "i couldn't dote on you" but she also thinks "i love you so much". She loves him so much when she tried to not. So i'm pretty sure that giving him to demon ans seeing him die (because she sees the kids die) would have broke her heart forever

Oh for sure. I don’t think anything could break her as much as Leslie’s departure did, but having to ship out Ray would definitely land a critical hit on her heart. No one would ever know this, of course. Isabella would hide her true emotions on a daily basis, as she does with every other kid she sends to the gate, but despite their very unusual and complicated mother-son relationship, she still cares for him as much as any other kid she had the chance to raise. We just don't get to see her loving nature towards Ray much because.. well, she's real damn good at her job.

I believe she only distanced herself after she learned that Ray was her actual son. Before Ray made the deal with her, there was no reason for her to treat him any different from anyone else. She thought he was just another kid she had to raise to be eaten for some demons to ensure her own survival. It sounds bad, I know, but it also means there was no point in acting fake around him. Everything she did pre-agreement was as genuine as she could get, given the circumstances of the house. For the first couple of years, she was nothing but a mom to him, just like she was to the other kids.

The distance between them grew once the deal came into play because they now saw each other as enemies. That actually helped them in regards to them handling their different situations and their own emotions, as the deal gave them different roles to act in. The whole shepherd/sheepdog idea made their interactions more civil and blunt. Sure they both ended up despising one another and plotting for the other’s downfall, but the agreement ultimately made it easier for them to deal with each other, as all their actions, words, thoughts, etc were as fake as could be. They learned that by twisting their relationship in such an insane way would help keep their emotions out of the picture so they can each pursue their goal in their never-ending game of chess, sneaking around their formalities to gain advantages over the other.

If they had to act like a real mother & son to each other with all the knowledge they both had about the farm, it would certainly make those last six years mentally and emotionally exhausting, no matter how hard they tried to hide it. Makes me wonder if Ray never offered up himself as her watchdog, would Isabella have shipped him off early instead? She kept Ray around since she could still control and use him as her own puppet, but I dunno if her love for him would’ve been strong alone to save him. She takes her caretaker job so seriously that love certainly couldn't save any other kid of hers, so despite Ray being her actual son, I wouldn’t doubt that she might’ve shipped him out prematurely here. His test scores could possibly gave him the chance to stay a bit longer, since she favors results more than the rules of the house, but there’s no way she could’ve ignored a kid who knew the secret and have them walk around the plantation carefree either. That would’ve created several problems. In the end, the deal was a huge benefit to them both. Obviously it spared Ray's life, but it also saved Isabella from getting even more emotionally attached to him by tossing their precious relationship aside.

Of course I know she does love him deep down. All I need to prove it is this one page that still manages to break my heart in several pieces and oh my god y’all I love them so damn much aaaaahhhh. Damn it Shirai! Did you really have to do this to them? And to me??

Aside from all the occasions I’ve spoken about Isabella loving her kids & Ray, ch 181.7 also throws the truth right in our faces once more thanks to Ray’s goodbye note. I recently mentioned in my 182days posts how touching it was for Isabella to hold onto the children's stuff because it shows us how near and dear they all were to her heart, so while she does eventually use the note to gain trust from Matilda & the other ladies, I firmly believe she kept it as a memento of Ray first and foremost. We see her holding onto that note here as if it’s just the most precious thing in the world and it warms my heart knowing that she kept it on her person the night of the escape since the entire house literally went up in flames and everything else in it was lost. If her love for Ray was this obvious to the four sisters who barely knew a thing about her, then it had to be clear as hell to her actual kids.

The love she feels for her kids (& Ray most importantly) should also be common knowledge to us readers as well, but I see some people doubt it every now and then still. It's fine, really. People will always see her as a villain and that's understandable. But *gestures to everything I ever said about this woman* hello?? Pfftt. ANYWAYS! Thanks for letting me ramble on about these two! (and if you're the same anon who sent the other ask that came in right after this one then I'll be answering that one shortly.)

[siriuslysatorusimping]

okokokokokokok

hear me out: using her domain saves megumi, too.

rant below the cut

i'll be honest, i was trying to give akutami a chance to show us how tf he's going to repair the damage he's done because i don't like deviating from canon. BUT FUCK THAT. THIS IS MY FANFIC.

SO.

If I do this, it's going to deviate after chapter 236.

I'm not going back on my word, Gojo will live.

BUT.

Think about this:

Rinko sees him die and loses her shit.

Sukuna can't handle another domain expansion to beat her out, and she knows that so she goes in and immediately uses it.

Traps him, and then uses it to drive him insane.

On top of that, she realizes that she sees Megumi as well because her domain targets the soul.

BUT NOT ONLY THAT but the version of Sukuna she's seeing is his original form so people can still be like 'oh cool, og sukuna'

because she's seeing his soul.

and he's all cocky like an asshole, but she's like 'what could you possibly think you have left to take from me? you took my kid. you took my person. if you think taking my life is what scares me, you already did.'

and then she fucking taunts him because he was supposedly an unwanted kid and she's like 'bitch, so was i you little shit but guess what i wasn't a little bitch about it like someone."

and then she murders him.

and she fucking cuts his head off and smashes it to make for damn sure

and then her domain goes away and there's megumi, very beat up physically and emotionally, but at least she has her kid back, right?

and then gojo is just like 'wtf i was gonna kill him when i got back-"

and she's like 'how the FUCK ARE YOU ALIVE'

'didn't destroy my head'

and then he notices that she smashed sukunas head and he's so damn proud of her.

and also terrified and like 'listen baby i know you're probably mad but don't kill me-"

[lonewolflink]

TO-DO LIST

- keep asking about 2yeon

the fluffy blonde hair was. wooh boy. on one hand. little mushroom. on the other hand. hi hello hiiiii jeongyeon. fancy mv chaeyoung is SO. the fact that she pulled that outfit off amazes me daily. though i have to say i think black hair chae may be my favorite

michaeng, dahmo and 2yeon are some of the big ones, yeah! some people consider them outdated but they’re just haters. the sana…..ooooooooh im giggling i love her so so so much. heart pounding thinking abt chapter 3. if sana and jihyo interact then idk ill probably explode into a million pieces

the sketches are sketching so 🫡🫡 1-7 days depending on how busy school keeps me, probably.

also the planning documents r so funny. its very nice to see someone else be an insane planner bc i have like. room layouts and maps for my fics. i have personalities for characters who will never appear. i have the ikea furniture page open so i can make sure that the furniture im describing matches the realistic budget they would have. it never ends and that is why it takes me 5000 years to write anything, so i think its deeply impressive that you’ve got actual things happening!!! like wow!!!! the hyperfixation note is also so true, sometimes they really just. grab you by the throat and go “Now. The Thing. You Must.”

-wsc’s #1 fan (official title) hambbyong

(sidenote, i genuinely thought ddeongies and snowddeong were the same person for like. the entire time ive been in the itzy fandom. just now realized they weren’t. crazy.)

ok first of all i have to say thank you again for your chaeryeong wsc art i literally can't stop looking at it and i'm obsessed with it i love it sm

(do keep asking about 2yeon, i'll do it eventually. i've possibly even already committed to it emotionally...)

fluffy blonde jeongyeon bro i. god. we're not getting into chae bc i don't think i can handle it emotionally so we're just gonna end this topic with these photos

i think you will enjoy all the twice moments i have planned for wsc...every member is going to get some real screen time and pretty awesome moments on and off the ice :)

(one of my personal favorites is a small but awesome dahyun moment that comes during act 2, it's not like super plot heavy or anything but i love it so much because of how it marries something very particular to actual dahyun with something incredibly niche even within hockey that i personally love)

"i genuinely thought ddeongies and snowddeong were the same person for like. the entire time ive been in the itzy fandom" i love this so much and will leave it here for them to take joy in themselves ahahaha

[moyazaika]

KUINA. MOTHER? IS THAT MOTHER?? Everyone else out here lookin busted af meanwhile queenie is standing there PLUCKED not a hair out of place. She graduated from the university of cuntology with a degree in servitude of motherology and minored in face card banking. I'm sorry she was letting y’all HAVE IT.

Good to have you back! Hope you are coping with the impending doom of summer, where the sun has no mercy and the shade is scarce. Recently I've discovered this fun little movie called Martin from 1977, it's a vampire movie from George A. Romero (the dude behind the og zombie movie, Night of the Living Dead) and it's super fun! I say a vampire movie, but is our boy really a vampire? It's something I like to think about just a lil 🤔 delusional characters r my thing.

OH MY GODNESS YOU UNDERSTANDDDD 1000000% there are people out there who truly believe that the best, most pure way to keep someone with them is to take all of them. Cannibalism is such an intense device in storytelling, especially as a metaphor and I LOVE IT SO MUCH. That kind of obsessive “love” is scary, not just because of the actions a person may take, but the feelings they harbor. People who are so far gone that the only world they live in is the one only they know and experience? What do you mean you think eating someone is the only way to keep them with you??? What version of The Very Hungry Caterpillar were you reading??? This entire topic reminds me of how love and consumption go hand in hand. If someone wants to go as far as to eat someone they love, do they love them? Or do they want to consume them, own them, possess every fiber of their being and become one with them so they can feel complete again? Does possessing a beating heart mean the same as possessing one torn from the chest of a loved one?

also. What does it taste like? I'm just curious. I've heard human meat tastes like chicken.

The other trope I’ve been sent tumbling back into is the classic cult story, maybe it's because I just rewatched Hereditary? I think that demons, or entities of incompressible power, are scary because they can't be emotionally swayed. There's physically nothing you can do or say to persuade an entity that has existed for far longer than you could ever hope to, so you have to shut up and take whatever kind of pain they decide to grace your senses with. How do you change a god's mind? What do you mean I can't mansplain my way out of this one? Y'all why don't valak want me 😔 can't malewife or manwhore our way outta this one fellas 😢

maybe I should stick to human men. - 🕺🕺🕺

just dug this up too cus im going thru asks tonight (i took a 5 hour nap and sleep evades me now. help it’s 3am)

she’s fucking gorgeous serving looks the entire time and i love how that,, didn’t take away from her character complexities. yes she was hot. she also had a complex backstory and emotions which were woven into her character as a woman and fighter. Love how they handled her!!!!!!

i love the way you measure time or describe seasons. it’s so oddly endearing <3

“what version of the very hungry caterpillar were you reading” dawg these bitches were eating the book not reading it 😭😭😭

did yk interestingly there’s a disease where your own proteins go ‘rogue’ (prions) when you consume human meat? i think it’s called kiru/kuru?? they eat the brains of deceased people as a funeral rite (not sure if that’s rooted in respect or love) but it’s crazy to think that this is like. Something Humans Do. yk?

i’ve heard the same!! (fbi agent please don’t hurt me) but speaking of cannibalism i feel like u would love the hannibal tv show. (symbolism is INSANE in this one. also they’re hot as fucj oh yeahh) or yellowjackets. i haven’t finished either but i’ve been told they’re VERY promising from the few eps i saw before life was like Damn Bitch get back on the grind 🤬🤬🤬🤬

I LOVE HEREDITARY the sinking feeling when it dawns on you that they’re all insane. they’re all fucking insane and they believe in their insanity to such an extent convincing them otherwise is a waste of your time. both the God and their followers—nothing you can say to weasel out of this one.

i love a good cult story i have something in my wip but it’s more of a long term project i wanna make a series of (again, once i graduate 😥😥) but oooooh boy Many Thoughts Thunk. the abuse of power… misplaced trust… the feeling of something being just. not normal. even tho it should be. even though everyone around you says it is. the paranoia. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😊😊❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

[donnerpartyofone]

I am not handling anxiety well. I may be experiencing a protracted spike due to (my circumstances and) this new asthma medication I'm still experimenting with, which at the recommended dosage gave me a panic attack so bad it took me out for an entire day. Antidepressants and anxiety meds all make me sick or make my ears ring so bad it makes me want to [redacted]. I don't like being stoned during the day or socially or while working on anything (even creative things), and I wouldn't say it always makes me less anxious anyway. I took a course in transcendental meditation but I could never get to a point with it where it really affected me. I've found other kinds of meditation I like more, but they also don't do much for my general state, they're more fun and interesting to me than therapeutic. Regular exercise doesn't make a noticeable difference in my daily mood (besides which we're out of space, which is why we're moving). I most often just reach for a drink when I can't handle something (unless I'm having a major depressive episode, then I don't want food or drink or drugs or anything). Alcohol is the only thing that depresses my nervous system enough for me to get through certain things. This is pretty dysfunctional. Based on the frequency and intensity of my drinking no one would say I have a "problem", but I know I'm doing something maladaptive. If I had stayed at my old job I would surely have drunk myself to death. I have to spend today going over these really complicated document notes and comparing them to a couple of older drafts to prepare my statements (defenses) for a really difficult meeting tomorrow. I don't know how I'm going to get through the preparations or the meeting itself. I mean I'll do it, I have an often tyrannical sense of responsibility and I practically never just flake on things like this or do them half-assedly (which would scare me). Besides which the project has kinda been my life's work and I won't give up on it even if I absolutely feel like it. But I'm suffering under the worries of not knowing whether I can do the task successfully or whether I am Being Insane. I spent an hour and a half last night working on this email to my project partner, who is also a close friend, trying to explain what I'm anticipating with this, and also excusing the fact that I am possibly Being Insane. I got it as short and emotionally controlled as I could, and I'm sure he wouldn't be mad at me for such a thing, but I'm still worried that I can't really tell how acceptable my behavior is. Hilariously, I only convinced myself to write the email because my fucking horoscope told me not to be ashamed of making use of my relationships. In doing so I realized that in all my years of indulging, to varying degrees, in magical thinking, I never did anything specifically because my horoscope said it was a good idea. So, that's something. Maybe I'm not as far gone as I thought. Or maybe I'm only getting there NOW! Anyway I wish I had an Adderall. I am not a person who NEEDS Adderall, but I would really appreciate the intense focus and artificial confidence in completing tasks that it gave me when I tried it. If you're in my general area and you wanna give me an Adderall, I'll buy yuz a beer, or something. Fair warning though, I am possibly Being Insane!